I Do Not Sparkle
by EpsilonPax
Summary: Sorry Twilight fans; just having a bit of good, harmless fun at both Twilight's expense and at poor Optimus'; Rated for mild language


**A/N: Yet another fluff one-shot, this one, like so many others, at poor Optimus' expense. Set pre-ROTF, this is after Epps and our OC Elena have already started dating. Also, yes, we realize that the middle names we've given to Lennox and Epps are probably not the correct ones, but given that we couldn't remember what they really were, these sounded best to us. So yes, we know they're wrong, but ask that-in the words of everyone's favorite Big Rig-you, dear reader, just roll with it. :) **

**One last note: sorry Twilight fans! But just remember its all in good fun. And to help put things in perspective, Bumbee _is_ a fan of Twilight (Sorry Bee, had to out you on your guilty pleasure ;) ) **

**Show some love and R & R!**

**~~~Epsilon Pax**

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Lennox crossed his arms as he perched on the corner of his desk and looked up into the massive metal, humanoid face that loomed over him and Epps, "So you're trying to tell me that you're honestly okay with leaving just the Twins behind to guard the base?"

"How many times constitutes a try? If I repeat myself again, perhaps with an increased volume, will I at last effectively convey my thoughts?"

Epps almost chucked, "You know Big Man, I know you're being completely serious, but even still, you're just as good at sounding like a smart ass at times."

Impatiently gears shifted nosily in the equivalent of an Autobot sigh. "Ironhide has informed me of your favorite human colloquialisms, and of all of their common usages as well as contextual definitions. I do not approve. But I digress from—"

Just a slight sound really, but loud enough to draw the soldier's attention briefly. Lennox looked over at Epps.

"What was…?"

There it was again! Hearing it once more enabled Lennox to finally and correctly identify it as a suppressed giggle. But who in the hell did they know that _giggled?_

With a knowing glance, Epps and Lennox turned in unison. There, occupying Epps's empty desk was Elena. Curled up comfortably in the worn chair, with her feet tucked neatly beneath her, she perused a thick black book. Paper rustled briefly as she turned another page, completely absorbed, and giggled again.

Epps smirked, "Oh little miss director!"

No visible response.

Lennox decided to give it a try, "Hey four eyes!"

No answer.

Epps snatched up a handful of paper clips and flung them in her general direction. They all fell short of the mark, and Elena didn't budge, "Babe!"

Nothing.

"_Elena_." Spoken calmly and rationally, for some reason Optimus was victorious in wresting her attention away from her book. But then again, Lennox had yet to meet the being, human, Autobot or even Decepticon, who would dare to ignore Optimus Prime.

"Hmm?" She blinked pleasantly back at them.

"You're doing it again." Epps sighed.

"No I wasn't!"

"Yes, yes you were. Remember…" With exaggerated motions, Epps brought a finger up to his lips and made a shushing sound. Elena rolled her eyes and determinedly returned to her book. Lennox squinted at the cover. Otherwise plain, it boasted of an odd nonsensical photograph of a pair of hands cupping a bright red apple. He'd seen it somewhere before, but he couldn't quite recall where.

With a shrug, Epps returned his attention back to Optimus, "Sorry, for some reason whenever she reads that book she becomes prone to fits of hysterical laughter. I dunno, I don't ask. Anyways…"

Familiar with a similar strategy which he readily employed whenever Sarah lost herself in a book, Lennox smirked, "Anyways…I still don't think it'd be a good idea to just leave Skids and Mudflap here whenever the rest of us are out scattered across the globe. I mean should it ever occur to the Decepticons to just hit us here…"

Another laugh sounded in a very un-lady like manner.

Optimus opted to just talk over her, "They would have to first locate the base's position. A decidedly difficult task."

A fit of fizzling giggles.

Giving in to the inevitable Epps hung his head, "Alright, what is it this time babe?"

"I'm sorry, it's j-just…" More giggles, "He…he…" She wiped a tear of mirth from her eyes, "He _sparkles!_"

Lennox turned to face her, completely at a loss at the combination of the words 'He' and 'sparkle' in the same sentence. "What the hell are you reading?"

But Elena was rapidly losing her battle to her laughter; she waggled her fingers, "Like glitter! He sparkles!"

Lennox appealed to Epps, "Did I miss something here?"

Epps shook his head, "Hell if I know. But no dude, who ever he is, should ever sparkle."

"Well…" Elena's voice drifted over to them, "Actually…" She looked in the direction of Optimus, who narrowed his optical lenses.

"I. Do. Not. Sparkle."

Enjoying the jest, Lennox cottoned on, "Well, she may have a point there, Optimus."

A mischievous grin bloomed across Epps' features as Elena chimed in again, "And even if you don't precisely 'sparkle', you're certainly very shiny. Or well, you _used_ to be. And I know you _would_ be if you'd just let one of us wash you once in awhile. You know Bumblebee lets Sam and Mikaela run him through a car wash every couple of weeks."

Optimus warily looked from one mirthful human countenance to another, "I am not comfortable with this change of topic. Let us move on to another more productive one."

"Alright, c'mon Elena, leave the Big Man some dignity."

With an exaggerated sigh and grumble about the easily wounded pride of some males, Elena returned to her book and Lennox and Epps to their attempted conversation. Optimus was trying to convince Epps of the Twin's capabilities, despite their adolescent like dispositions when another fit of smothered laughs shook Elena.

With a grumble Epps got up and stomped over to Elena, "Ok little miss director, reading time's over." Without any more provocation he promptly snatched the book out of her hands and held it over her head.

_"Robert Charles Epps_!" Elena shrieked as she grabbed for her pilfered book.

Lennox glanced over at Optimus, "_Charles_? Did you know his middle name was _Charles_?"

The indefatigable cerulean gaze blinked back at him, "I don't understand why you seem so surprised. All of your personal information is listed in your military databases."

Lennox gaped at Optimus as another shriek from Elena rent the air. He ignored her, "Wait, how did you know that? Did you actually read our files? And how did you get access?"

"Your military security is relatively easy to bypass, and comparatively primitive compared to our own. As to my perusing your files…I know you're middle name is Nathan."

He was almost afraid to ask, "What else do you know? You know, about us?"

"Only what is necessary."

He was spared having to ask Optimus what he considered to be 'necessary' information when a stream of curses that could have only come from Epps echoed over to them. Elena had reached for her favored weapon of choice: her infamous clipboard.

"Uh oh, watch out man, she's armed now!"

"Oh shit!" Epps narrowly dodged an alarmingly accurate swipe. Pivoting he called out to Lennox, "Hey, catch man!" But just as Epps tossed the book, Elena swung her clipboard again, and it caught him with a resounding _thwack_ on his back, knocking his aim off. As if in slow motion Lennox watched the book sail through the air, and though he made a futile grab for it, it didn't keep the book from hitting Optimus very neatly and precisely between the eyes.

All three humans froze and grimaced as the book bounced harmlessly away with a metallic thud. Not that the paper projectile hurt the leader of the Autobots, far from it, after all this was a being who was accustomed to taking Decepticon punches to the face with minimal damage. Slowly, as if afraid, Lennox turned to face Optimus, who spared the Major the briefest of glares before turning the full weight of his gaze on Epps and Elena. Lennox swallowed hard; he'd seen kinder expressions on Prime's face when the Autobot was conversing with Galloway.

Though he did in fact respect them a great deal, it never ceased to amaze Optimus at how easily human adults could act in a manner more a kin, and more befitting, to their young. It wasn't that he was upset at the turn of events; he just found it frustrating because it was such an inefficient, and ultimate waste of time.

He just waited.

Elena recovered first, not daunted in the least by Optimus' glare of displeasure. For good measure she leveled one more solid whack at Epps, before marching over to Optimus.

"I'm sorry!" She paused before the stern countenance only long enough to pat the Autobot on one of the side metal plates that served as his cheek, before retrieving her book.

Lennox clapped a hand over his mouth to hide his grin at how quickly Optimus' expression had changed from one of frustration to one of confusion at Elena's actions. Hugging the offending book to her chest, Elena regarded Prime once more, "That didn't hurt did it?"

Optimus blinked, surprised at the sincerity of the question. "Of course not."

"Good," She pivoted to glare at Epps, who had crept closer, "Now, I think you owe Optimus an apology."

"Me?"

"Yes you!" A pause, "And of course, Lennox too."

"Wait, what? Why do I have to apologize?"

Epps grinned, "Because you suck at catching."

"Not my fault you suck at throwing."

"Actually…" Epps narrowed his eyes at Elena, "Really this is Elena's fault."

"Me?"

Lennox smirked, "Yes you."

Elena pointed at Lennox, "Don't you start!" Before rounding on Epps, "What makes your infinitesimal mind think this was my fault?"

"You and that damned book started it!"

"Excuse you Mr. I-don't-read-anything-except-car-magazines!" Elena shrilly snapped.

There was the sound of servos shifting in yet another Autobot rendered sigh, "By the Allspark, at times you are no better than ill-behaved sparklings."

Lennox lifted a brow, "Sparkle-what?"

Mishearing the Autobot leader, Elena mistakenly latched onto only one particular word. Turning neatly and briskly on her heel she pointed an accusing finger at Optimus, "Ah ha!" she proclaimed, "You admit it! You do sparkle!"

"I did nothing of the sort."

"Yes you did! I just heard you!"

"Elena, you are mistaken—"

"You sparkle too! You admit it! I win." Triumphant, Elena hugged her precious book to her chest as she walked away from the two soldiers and one very confused Autobot.

"That was entirely illogical…"

Epps couldn't help but muster a sympathetic smile, "Women usually are. It's one of their many charms; you see in my experience—_oof_!" Whatever Epps meant to say next was literally knocked out of him as a very solid something collided precisely with the back of his head. Swearing, he turned, looking for the offending projectile. There, on the floor nearby, was Elena's book. Apparently having overheard his offending remark, Elena, with her uncannily precise aim, had lobbed the novel with success at Epps in an effort to both shut him up and take revenge of his remarks.

Ignoring Lennox's snickers, Epps bent down, retrieving the obviously well worn and well-read book. As his friend resumed his conversation with Prime, Epps turned the novel over in his hands, examining it with detached curiosity. After a moment, seeing his two companions so occupied, Epps decided to appropriate same chair that Elena had used and propping his feet up on the desk, he opened to the first page and started to read.

It wasn't long after he had become absorbed into the book, that Lennox noticed the bemused smile tugging at the corners of Epps' mouth. Again, ignoring the ensuing jests, Epps elected to just keep reading. It really wasn't all that bad; he might be able to get into this stuff.

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**A/N: Just a sparkly nonsensical little one shot that I hope made you smile! Oh and it would appear that Epps now harbors an inner Twilight fan ;) **

**~~~Epsilon**


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